This means war

If you're wondering why I didn't post something last night (and don't deny the anxious movements of your buttocks to the edge of the seat, I know you feel it), I have a very good reason. I was ambushed.

The past two days have actually been bordering on torturous for me. My naps have not seemed to alleviate the weight of sleep so much as temporarily obfuscate it, like taking a shot of morphine to combat an amputated leg. You might feel okay for a small amount of time, but no amount is going to take away from the fact that you aren't going to be going for a run anytime soon. But I've religiously kept to my nap times, overslept very little, and I was confident that this would be one of the final blockades to a utopian sleepless existence.

By 6pm last night I began to feel reasonably in charge again (fortunate, considering we've got a big yoga group staying who all checked in last night). Around 1am I went to the library to do some yoga, and it was here, in my safety zone, where I was taken.

Sometime during my yoga practice I fell asleep and woke up approximately five and a half hours later at 7am, dressed and on the couch.

Now, the devil here is not in the details, it's in the things that are not being said. For anyone whose eyesight is not strong enough for them to read between the lines, I'll spell it out.

• I didn't say "after yoga", which would be perfectly acceptable. Imagine lying in savasana, heart rate dropping, skin cooling, feeling the waves of yogic euphoria lapping against your eyelids. It's easy to see how you might fall asleep. However, the last thing I remember was doing what's called Uttana Shishosana, a pose that involves being on all fours on the mat and slowly dropping your chest to the floor, keeping your head up and pulling your shoulders right back. Not a pose I find particularly easy, restful or sleep inducing. I recall going into this pose, but not coming out of it. I also don't recall doing any other yoga poses after this.
• I didn't say "I got dressed" because I have no memory of this either. In this situation, dressed means jeans and two t-shirts, no shoes or socks. Somewhere between Uttana Shishosana and waking, I managed to dress myself without realising.

I feel as if my brain lay in wait until I was in one of the more vulnerable yoga positions and unable to defend myself, then leapt forward with a chlorophyll-soaked rag in one hand and my consciousness in the other. I suspect this is in direct retaliation to the sleep form I drew up to counter its insidious whisperings after my naps that I hadn't actually been to sleep yet. I heard no peep from my brain for three naps after I did that, and now this.

I have to remember that this is just an experiment, and I shouldn't get emotionally involved in anything that actually occurs. I need to view it all objectively, take notes and record observations, and simply sit back and watch it like a student's art film that doesn't really make sense but is kind of interesting anyway. But still, when my brain takes over in that fashion I find it hard not to take it personally. I'm going to have to design some way around this for tonight.

An open letter to my brain

Dear Brain,

How long is it that we've been seeing each other? Thirty three years? Has it really been that long? I know there was that little patch a while back where we agreed to separate, but really, I've been quite faithful to you, haven't I? I've never cheated on you behind your back. I've always been supportive.

I think I deserve an explanation, to be honest.

I'm a little saddened by your recent "games". I thought we had something special. I mean, neither of us are much to look at, but it was a mutual respect of each other's intelligence that drew us together. Do you remember when that girl tried to come between us, and you managed to win me over with your analytical sleight of hand and intoxicating arguments? Oh Brain, you really used to think I was worth fighting for.

But here I am, trying my best to do something new and exciting, to embark on a mystical sleep experiment, and where is the support? I would understand if it were hurting you, but I'm doing this for you, can't you see? If this little adventure works, I'll be able to provide you with all the books you could possibly dream of! Really! You know that time you were so upset by the thought that you would never live to read every book you desire, even if you lived to 150? Well my love, I am trying to make your dream a reality! I am putting myself on the line for you.

But this morning, you threw it back in my face. All I asked was that you let me wake after twenty five minutes. It's not so hard, I've been waking before the alarms ring anyway, all you needed to do was to make sure I got up. Alas, you had other plans. I'm not sure how you managed to keep me asleep whilst turning off two alarms, but you did. I imagine you injected some of that melatonin store of yours. You know how I feel about you doing that. It makes me feel violated.

I could probably have overlooked that though, I could have believed you just wanted to snuggle and carried your wishes too far. But then the next time I tried to wake, you actively set out to deceive me! That's right, there's no denying it! You saw me hide my phone alarm behind the television set, and then while keeping me as asleep as possible (no doubt through more melatonin injections - boy, you're going to be working hard to replenish that tomorrow, aren't you?), you stood there with a poker face and told me the DVD player was my alarm as it rang out! You stood by, watching me punch buttons on that player, watching the little tray rolling in and out, knowing that I had no idea it was a DVD player and not an alarm clock I was attempting to defuse. I can't imagine why you would do this.

Is there someone else?

Please be honest with me, I have always been honest with you, haven't I? I can't lie to you Brain, even though sometimes I admit I would like to. I don't understand why my efforts of strenghtening our bond are being treated with this kind of contempt.

I'm not going to stop though, I've decided that much. You can play with me all you like, but I know you'll appreciate my efforts in the end. And if you don't well, as Crowded House sing, it would cause me pain if we were to end it. But I could start again, you can depend on it. There are other Brains, and I'm sure many of them would do anything to be treated this way.

But I don't want to threaten you, my love. Please understand that I'm doing this for you, for us. You'll come round, I know it.
Love Craig