The blog of shame

I may as well get this admission over with right up front. Last night was excruciating. I wrote early in the evening about how curiously tired I found myself after having such a strong couple of days. Well, it all went downhill from there.

I spent about an hour cleaning a room down here, then went up for the 2am nap. I woke from this feeling utterly exhuasted, as if I hadn't slept a wink all week. I spent quite a bit of time in somewhat of a daze in the room, where I probably slipped in and out of sleep for seconds at a time. I finally summoned up enough energy to get moving, and came down to the kitchen. I made some raw chocolate balls (first time ever by the way, and am happy to report that even though I was so tired I barely remember making them, they taste delicious!).

I then decided to have an extra 4am nap. If you've read earlier entries you'll remember how well that worked out for me. Well this time I woke at 6:30am to a phone call from Angie, with all three alarm clocks that had been strategically placed around the room piled up neatly at the foot of the couch, like some kind of frightened offering to the gods of sleep. I almost literally had to prise my eyelids apart, as if I had fallen asleep in the snow and they had fused together with cold. Angie convinced me to go for a walk with her, and I spent a great deal of it trying to stay awake.

I have three theories at work here. Theory one is that earlier in the week when I surmised I was in the "difficult patch", I was sadly mistaken, and that was nothing but a precursor to last night's hell.  Theory two is that earlier in the week the difficult patch was indeed the difficult patch, and this is purely my body expressing it's veto power over any experimental designs I may have upon it. Theory three is that I had passed the difficult patch and was well on my way to polyphasic bliss, however a random input (such as a virus or something) has sent me off on a brief but overwhelming downward spiral.

I had a long think about it on the walk, for if Theory Two is the dominant choice, I should probably cut my losses now and either spend the next two days (which I have off) sleeping, and resume my normal schedule (or perhaps another polyphasic variant, the Everyman schedule, which I think I would take to without any trouble at all). However, if one of the other Theories are the winners, I just need to work out how to get through what may be simply a twenty four hour period of intense discomfort.

When you look at it like that, I figure my week's investment so far indicates to me that I should at least give it a shot. I sit here typing in the office with loud rock music blasting in my ear and I'm still drifting off, having to focus so intently here that my eyes are nearly itching. I keep editing as I go, finding spelling mistakes, typos and sentences that simply don't make sense, I hope I've nailed most of them. I think I need to work on what measures to take, but they might begin with:

• Getting people to physically wake me here during the day, and at night perhaps hitting up the night owl Facebook brigade who I notice sit online all night, and see if I can get anyone to ring me and yell down the line until I'm up.
• Once up, jumping straight into a really cold shower, then heading out for a walk to get the blood moving.
• Definitely staying out of the library where I've been sleeping. I love the room so much I think I now feel very safe in there, which is a little too conducive to sleeping through alarms.
• Aside from that, I'll just have to work out some better activities to keep myself occupied with.

Activities can be a strange one. On the one hand I want to be doing something reasonably physical so as to keep my body awake but on the other, it seems to me that my body still requires a certain amount of rest time, which would demand at least a few hours of seated activity. Anything less would surely just add to the fatigue. I just need to work out how to balance this and stay awake during any seated activity (even as I type now, my head is slipping forward here and there and I must blink repeatedly to stop the words from doubling when I read back over them).

Well, enough contemplation, time to get a move on with the day. I'm not sure quite where I'm headed with it, but with any luck it will be towards a much less sleepy and much more comfortable environment.

Polyphasic sleep schedule Day Seven

I can hardly believe I've made it one whole week! I'm also surprised at what a struggle tonight has been, but on contemplation I guess I did just have a very hectic weekend, and chances are that I would have been dropping off to sleep on occasion even if I were sleeping a solid period during the night. Also, in the past twenty minutes, I just noticed a definite nose cold coming on, so that may have something to do with my persistent drowsiness tonight. I'm combating the best I can with Melvins turned up loud, and I might eschew the yoga tonight in favour of some cleaning around the place.

What have I learned during the week?

1. There is no underestimating the body's ability to sabotage itself when it feels threatened.
2. Refined sugar is never the answer to anything, except maybe how to get out of life earlier.
3. The concept of time is one of the most unreliable ideas our species has ever come up with.
4. I can actually have incredibly realistic and vivid dreams, and I only had to stop sleeping to notice them.
5. People can be amazingly supportive of ludicrous propositions, even if in theory they're still considering having you committed.
6. Having more time doesn't necessarily mean you'll accomplish more things.
7. The eyelids are home to the strongest muscles in the human body. They just don't like word to get out.

An open letter to my brain

Dear Brain,

How long is it that we've been seeing each other? Thirty three years? Has it really been that long? I know there was that little patch a while back where we agreed to separate, but really, I've been quite faithful to you, haven't I? I've never cheated on you behind your back. I've always been supportive.

I think I deserve an explanation, to be honest.

I'm a little saddened by your recent "games". I thought we had something special. I mean, neither of us are much to look at, but it was a mutual respect of each other's intelligence that drew us together. Do you remember when that girl tried to come between us, and you managed to win me over with your analytical sleight of hand and intoxicating arguments? Oh Brain, you really used to think I was worth fighting for.

But here I am, trying my best to do something new and exciting, to embark on a mystical sleep experiment, and where is the support? I would understand if it were hurting you, but I'm doing this for you, can't you see? If this little adventure works, I'll be able to provide you with all the books you could possibly dream of! Really! You know that time you were so upset by the thought that you would never live to read every book you desire, even if you lived to 150? Well my love, I am trying to make your dream a reality! I am putting myself on the line for you.

But this morning, you threw it back in my face. All I asked was that you let me wake after twenty five minutes. It's not so hard, I've been waking before the alarms ring anyway, all you needed to do was to make sure I got up. Alas, you had other plans. I'm not sure how you managed to keep me asleep whilst turning off two alarms, but you did. I imagine you injected some of that melatonin store of yours. You know how I feel about you doing that. It makes me feel violated.

I could probably have overlooked that though, I could have believed you just wanted to snuggle and carried your wishes too far. But then the next time I tried to wake, you actively set out to deceive me! That's right, there's no denying it! You saw me hide my phone alarm behind the television set, and then while keeping me as asleep as possible (no doubt through more melatonin injections - boy, you're going to be working hard to replenish that tomorrow, aren't you?), you stood there with a poker face and told me the DVD player was my alarm as it rang out! You stood by, watching me punch buttons on that player, watching the little tray rolling in and out, knowing that I had no idea it was a DVD player and not an alarm clock I was attempting to defuse. I can't imagine why you would do this.

Is there someone else?

Please be honest with me, I have always been honest with you, haven't I? I can't lie to you Brain, even though sometimes I admit I would like to. I don't understand why my efforts of strenghtening our bond are being treated with this kind of contempt.

I'm not going to stop though, I've decided that much. You can play with me all you like, but I know you'll appreciate my efforts in the end. And if you don't well, as Crowded House sing, it would cause me pain if we were to end it. But I could start again, you can depend on it. There are other Brains, and I'm sure many of them would do anything to be treated this way.

But I don't want to threaten you, my love. Please understand that I'm doing this for you, for us. You'll come round, I know it.
Love Craig

Polyphasic sleep schedule Day Five

I just calculated this evening that it's been 135 hours now since I last had a full night's sleep, and in that time I've slept only around eight hours. Can you believe it? My mother can't, she sent me an email predicting a future in a mental institution. Hi mum, if you're still reading.

I'm happy to report that I feel she may be wrong with her dire prophecies (I wouldn't have been so sure two nights ago). I dropped the extra nap this morning and I have been feeling just fine. I did throw a small tantrum today, but looking at the circumstances, I probably would have thrown one under my old sleep regime anyway.

I've had moments of tiredness but they've been thankfully quite brief. I have had a very busy day and it's possible my brain has necessarily switched off in favour of dealing with work, but I definitely feel more alert and was told by a few people that I looked a lot more together today. I'll give myself a real test where instead of staying in the office tonight I'll head up to the library where it's darker and quieter, and see if I can make it through under those conditions. And besides, we have about 30 drunken bikers here tonight, I probably don't need to hang around listening to their party.

I've got my fingers crossed I'm out of the woods on this one by now, or at the very least can see the light coming through the canopy.

Extra note: I just saved this post and on the confirmation screen an advertisement popped up courtesy of google, asking me if I'm having trouble sleeping. I just thought that was amusing, targeted marketing at its most insidious - little robots reading blogs as we update them and knowing what to throw at you.

Polyphasic sleep schedule Day Four

I'm writing a little later tonight, because I'm noticing a funny little trend. I'll hang out in the office all night, doing something worthwhile like this evening's activity (compiling a list of writing competitions from around the world to enter and make a fortune from...of course), or the completely inane (sitting on Facebook, which I am simply not going to do anymore, dammit). I'll come down after my 2am nap and write about how I'm really starting to feel pretty good, and oh, aren't I amazing and one of those reputed 2% of people who can comfortably live off a polyphasic sleep schedule, and did you notice how little time it took to adapt?

But then, about twenty minutes after writing, the sleep deprivation hits me like a brick (or in the immortal words of Nick Cave, like an ashtray big as a fucking really big brick), and I am reduced to a slobbering zombie scratching at his face and walking into walls. Last night it was at this time when the transformation took place, and it was all I could do to stay awake until 6am. It was actually all I could do to get the key in the office door on my departure and make it up to my room.

I woke up at 6:30am and bravely headed out for a walk, which culminated in me reeling from one side of the road to the other like a horribly naive drunk, staggering into the grass on each side more than once, and scaring the bejesus out of the cows that were down there having breakfast. I see these cows most mornings on my runs and they've learned to watch me with some level of trust and complacency. This morning they were all too aware of the howling, slobbering beast I had become, and took off with their tails between their legs, perhaps thinking I'd turned to the dark side and sold my soul to McDonalds

I inserted another 8am nap and felt quite normal by the 10am nap. The rest of the day was spent feeling quite good (although if I sit still for more than about ten minutes I'm still starting to feel the tug of my eyelids). Right now, here at the same dead spot as last night, I can feel that light headed sway but so far I am still in control of my senses.

Oh, did I mention I slipped up this morning? I had just one alarm set as I've been waking before them anyway. It went off and then I got up, except the time frame between these two seemingly consecutive actions seemed to stretch out to about twenty minutes. I have no recollection of those twenty minutes at all, so I can only assume I fell back asleep (knowing me, probably sitting upright and staring at my phone with open eyes). It's the first time I've fallen asleep after waking, and a frightening thought. The rest of the day however I managed to wake without an alarm, including after the hitherto dreaded 2am nap, so I'm hoping I really am making some progress.

But my planning is impeccable tonight - now I'm starting to feel that grip of death, I have plans to go clean a large rec room I need to get through before tomorrow. Vacuuming with loud rock music turned up as high as I can without waking anyone is just what I need to survive until 6am. Take that, death sleep!

Polyphasic sleep schedule Day Three

Only Day Three? Did I slip into some clandestine wormhole near the river that sent me back a week, or has it really only been three days since I began this little joyride? Let's see, I had my last monophasic sleep on Sunday night, waking at 6:30am. It's now Thursday morning at 4am so yes, looks like it's been three days.

I just looked back on my post from yesterday morning and had to laugh about how tired I was. That was nothing compared to how I felt after the 6am nap. I nearly crumpled in a weeping heap when I woke up. I could feel my eyes trying to lock themselves in and my limbs were shaking. Angie was fantastic though - she saw that I was on a knife's edge of collapsing into a comatose sleep, and she pushed me out the door into the very brisk morning air and took me on a walk up the mountain. It all felt manageable by the time we returned, but I was still completely wiped out.

Okay, I confess. I caved in and added a nap.

I don't think this is against the "rules", because Steve Pavlina did it on his much publicised blog about his polyphasic experiences. I just wanted to beat the guy though. I slipped in an extra 20 minute nap at 8am and it was really the smartest thing I could have done. I've been feeling almost good the rest of today, and aside from a quietly gnawing drowsiness right now, I'm still feeling at least ten times better than this stage last night. Do I dare believe I might be past the worst of it?

Aside from that period of perhaps twelve hours where I nearly wanted to drown myself, I think the experiment is going smashingly well. I haven't overslept once (indeed, I'm still waking before the alarm in most cases), and I've started dreaming quite vividly almost every time. The last one involved a country town op shop lady who called me to come and collect something and, after I drove for an hour to get there, told me they didn't have it and I should come back tomorrow. Incredibly banal dreams, but vivid.

I work in the office with music playing far louder than is acceptable for a resort office during the day, and I found time to bake some chocolate chip cookies last night. Once I get a handle on the tiredness I'm planning on spending a lot more time reading and writing (I have a list of short story competitions ready to enter). I'm getting back into German lessons and have uncovered a weird minor addiction to crosswords.

I haven't yet had the spiritual awakening that some polyphasers have had, where they realise time does not have to be the man-made construct we created but can instead unfurl in an infinite, mobius-strip-styled ribbon. The closest I've come is to shed my usual concerns of not having enough time in the day to get through everything (I call them concerns, Angie's aunt calls them fears, either/or). When you know you have at least another six hours to fill each night, you stop worrying about having to get through the accounts by 6pm, or cleaning the room before bed. You're happy in the knowledge that at some point in the next few waking phases it'll probably get done.

I'm hoping to not need an extra nap tomorrow morning but I'll see how I feel. That gnawing drowsiness has just started to bite a little, it might be time for a brief and cold walk outside.

Polyphasic sleep schedule Day Two

I thought I knew what tired felt like.

I've been really tired many times in my life, especially whilst on tour. I could tell you some excruciating stories about driving under the slumber influence, and stories about sleeping under the merch desk as punk bands sound checked not ten metres away. But I don't think I ever knew real tired until today.

I was feeling okay, especially after my 10am nap. That 10am nap is my best friend at the moment. I woke from that one feeling on top of the world. But the 2pm nap went all strange, and I spiralled downhill faster than a drunken skier. This is what happened.

I was down outside the office talking to Angie. Matt was just pulling out to go do a shop. I thought this was odd because I was pretty sure I'd seen him leave earlier in the day. Perhaps he had been doing something else. Anyway, a lady drove in and got out of her car. She looked after Matt, perplexed, and asked me if he was the one she had to speak to. I told her that Angie and I worked here too. She asked for a room for the night, and I told her Angie could help (it was, after all, my day off). Angie spoke under her breath and told me she was really busy with something, and I replied that I couldn't do it as it was time for my nap. She smiled and said not to worry, she'd take care of it.

Just then, all hell broke loose. A huge blaring sound errupted in the air, and I woke as I fell off the couch. You see, none of this had happened, although the dream felt more real than almost any dream I've had. I could have sworn I was awake, but the screaming alarm clock, the time and my body sprawled on the floor of the library said otherwise. I mention this not because it was odd to dream of such a mundane scenario, but that I absolutely believed I was awake. I don't tend to remember my dreams too much, and I think I usually have an inkling that I'm dreaming when I do. Too much weird stuff usually goes on (like the dream I had the other night with an elderly lady chasing me and my arms growing into lengthy, ape-like apendages to assist my escape...but that's for another time). This was so vivid and realistic that it took me a good ten minutes after waking to convince myself I was now actually awake and not the other way around.

My afternoon very quickly descended into the zombie-like state I've read so much about and had started, optimistically, believing might pass me by. At one point I actually felt my jaw hanging down a few inches lower than it should be. Angie has been hugely entertained by all this, taking every opportunity to come and laugh at  me. On the plus side, she's been around a lot to ensure I don't just curl up into a ball somewhere and fall asleep, which has been one hell of a strong urge to fight. I finished my 2am nap a little while back and have been feeling almost human after that one, although I can feel the weariness settling in again as I type now. Two and a bit more hours to the next nap though...

So, some things I've realised in the last two days:

1. I haven't been yawning, until this afternoon. Normally when I'm tired I yawn like the television demon in Aphex Twin's Come To Daddy clip, but not this week (until this afternoon). I just find this interesting.
2. I'm still mostly waking up before the alarm goes off (with the notable exception of my parallel universe experience this afternoon).
3. Most of the time I wake before the alarm, it's about 15 minutes or so into the nap, which means I'm probably averaging close to an hour and a half's sleep each day right now.
4. This is probably a good thing because it's really bloody hard to sync up a collection of analogue alarm clocks.
5. I really need to cut back the activity. I've stopped running in the morning, but I'm still walking up the big hill for a round loop of close to 8km each day, and with the added activity of all the walking I do simply to keep moving and stay awake, I'm getting quite tired. I had to stop halfway down the hill tonight on a walk with Angie and sit down (terribly close to sleeping on the road). I also stopped my yoga session after about ten minutes because I knew if I didn't I would fall asleep, probably in a position that I would regret after a few hours of sleeping in it.
6. I've found myself drinking so much water I could be mounted in the herb garden and used as an ornamental fountain. I'm not sure that this is a conscious choice - either my body needs the fluids or it's another reactive mechanism in response to the tiredness.

I thought there were a few others but everything's a little cloudy right now. I can feel that sleep net tighten as I type, pulling my eyelids down and constricting my muscles. The best way I've found to deal with it is to try to view it exactly as I asked for - as an experiment to see what happens. If I start feeling sorry for myself then the tiredness feeds off that with rapacious hunger. If I remember to keep breathing deeply and try to watch it all with a curious eye then it doesn't feel quite so bad. And besides, there's every chance that this will be the hardest day. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Oh, that's right, there is no tomorrow for me anymore. We'll see what the next waking period brings.

Polyphasic sleep schedule Day One

I'm not really sure where Day One actually started or finished, but the last time I woke up from a solid rack of hours was Sunday morning at 6:30am, and it's now Tuesday morning at 3:05am, so I think I can safely say Day One is behind me. Yesterday morning was a little slow, but aside from feeling like I'd had a really late night I felt okay. After my 10am nap I felt great - very awake and energised and I really should have moved the couches into the restaurant right then instead of leaving them. The 2pm nap left me a little slow again, and post 6pm nap (after being woken by the dog panting in my face) I was feeling even slower. I've noticed that often after naps I feel very light, and as I walk down the hill toward the office I could believe I might just float down like a three-day-old helium balloon. Tonight I started getting the opposite effect, with heaviness setting in. Like the hero in Jonathan Safron Foer's Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, I had very heavy boots. I could also feel a small but noticeable tightness in my leg muscles that might have to do with less relaxation and more aimless wandering in the dead of night.

At 8:30pm I started watching a movie with Angie, and struggled to keep awake through it (which might have more to do with the movie - Julie and Julia - than with my experiment). I left her to finish and went for my 10pm nap and, like the two before it, woke after 15 minutes without the alarm. Although that might indicate a sign of adaptation, I really didn't feel amazing at 10:15pm.

I'm finding the whole process fascinating. When I wake up, I feel as if I've been asleep for hours, but it's been a matter of minutes. And yet I don't feel rested. It's like eating a chip, but thinking you've eaten a whole burger, and still feeling as if you haven't actually eaten anything in about three days. Truly bizarre.

My weirdest nap was the 2am one, just now. I did yoga from 12:30am again, and despite coming close to the brink of sleep during some actual poses (my balancing poses were totally shot to hell, by the way), it revived me slightly. But by 2am I was ready to pass out. I set two alarm clocks and fell asleep almost instantly. I then woke fifteen minutes later (again!) standing next to my alarm clocks. I wasn't turning them off or anything, just standing there looking at them. I remember looking at the time, then falling back down on the couch to go to sleep. I woke up ten minutes later - once again, before the alarms went off - and have been up since then, feeling tired but in control.

So many polyphasic attempts that I've read about have fallen apart due to oversleeping, could I be the first experimenter to have a problem with overwaking? The tricks my brain plays are really remarkable. At any rate, this is the time when it's supposed to be about the hardest. I'm anticipating a pretty rough day today (fortunately I had the foresight to roster myself off, so I can spend the day throwing myself into the cold river if it comes down to that!), but perhaps by tomorrow morning I'll start feeling normal. I am encouraged by waking up before the alarms, even if it is in a slightly demented fashion.

Polyphasic sleep schedule Day Half

It's 3:54am as I start writing this, and last night was my final night of a habitual sleeping pattern. I was at first a little surprised at the level of tiredness I've been feeling, but then I had a little look back over my day.

a) Firstly, I was woken early by Angie getting up forty five minutes before my normal wake time in order to prepare breakfast for a huge group of people. I love her dearly but she's not the quietest of people. She does try hard, and she was quieter than she normally is, but still I woke to the sound of a slamming toilet lid and a blowing nose.

b) In what might seem to be a diabolical plan but I am sure wasn't, during two naps today Angie accidentally woke me. I'm pretty sure it's not a plot to overthrow my experiment, she did seem suitably apologetic about it, and in the first case I was sleeping in the middle of the recreation room of the resort at 10am, so I was probably asking for it.

c) For some strange reason I ended up engaged in a bit more physical activity than normal today. I went for a run at 6:30am, carried a hell of a lot of chairs from one room to another around 11am, played an hour of tennis around 5pm and went for a 4km walk around 7:30pm. Pile this on top of a couple of disturbed sleeps and you have a sleepy person on your hands.

d) Right, and I just finished two nearly 15-hour work days back to back with a huge group booked in over the weekend. Can't forget about that.

I was actually doing quite fine until around 12:30am, which is the time I've been religiously going to sleep for the past three weeks or so. Fortunately, that's the exact time I'd scheduled in an hour and a half of yoga (oh, add that to the list of physical activity!), and this almost instantly staved off the tiredness. During my ten minute savasana at the end I am open to the possibility that I slept for a few minutes. But then again, I almost always feel like this, so I'm not treating this as out of the ordinary. Strangely enough my meditation following lasted a good ten minutes before I felt my trunk slipping forward - lately I've struggled to make even five minutes.

After my 2am nap I headed down here to the office, made up a huge container full of a nut/fruit mix, and am thinking about going in to the restaurant to set up for breakfast tomorrow morning (Matt's job, but how awesome for him to turn up at 8am and find it all done? Plus, it'll keep me awake until that 6am nap).

I've been reading pages and pages of information on the Puredoxyk site as well, which is quite encouraging. It's interesting how large a part the mere thought of engaging in such a schedule as the Uberman affects your physiology. I have a sneaking suspicion the tiredness I'm feeling right now is largely due to the excitement, nervousness, trepidation, anticipation and sheer curiosity I'm dealing with now I've started.

Anyway, this is hardly a scientific report as I'm not even technically a day in, I've had longer spells without sleep in one whole day of work. But it passes the time, right?

Alarming

Two days ago I bought two new alarm clocks from The Department Store in Wauchope. One is a little square thing that ticks like Captain Hook's nemesis and brays like an electrocuted donkey, and the other is a traditional circular clock with bells for ears and a high pitched, shrieking ring. I also have my phone alarm, which is far less abusive. If I have trouble waking up next week with these things placed strategically around the room then I will really need to question the experiment.